Saturday, March 12, 2005

Putting Words In Your Mouth

Lyrical ideas have dominated my thoughts for a long time.

Or perhaps I should say that ideas about lyrics have dominated my thoughts for a long time.

Popular music is a compelling expression of many things, among them, emotion, culture, and wit. The best music marries the music itself with lyrics of beauty, strength, cleverness, or humor. I hope to look at these types of lyrics in the future.

But for today, I am interested in bad lyrics. But not just bad lyrics -- rotten lyrics. The worst lyrics you can possibly imagine. Not just nonsense lyrics of the Maresy Doats variety. Like them or not, songs like that are almost tolerable since they do not presume to take themselves seriously. The really horrible songs, however, employ lyrics that combine self-satisfying gravity and importance with ridiculous sentiment and just plain awful word choice.

I hope to roll out a few of the best, by which I mean the worst, songs I have come across in my many decades of musical enjoyment, and I hope you will join in with your own.

My first nominee is “Jesse’s Girl,” written in 1981 by rock “star” and sometime soap opera “actor” Rick Springfield. The lyrics to this song are so bad, they will make you laugh. When you are not laughing, you likely will be retching. Take a look.

Jesse's Girl

Jesse is a friend
Yeah, I know he’s been a good friend of mine
But lately something’s changed that ain’t hard to define
Jesse’s got himself a girl and I wanna make her mine

And she’s watchin’ him with those eyes
And she’s lovin’ him with that body, I just know it
And he’s holding her in his arms late, late at night
You know I wish that I had Jesse’s girl
I wish that I had Jesse’s girl
Where can I find a woman like that

I play along with the charade
That doesn’t seem to be a reason to change
You know I feel so dirty when they start talkin’ cute
I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot
Cos she’s watchin’ him with those eyes
And she’s lovin’ him with that body, I just know it
And he’s holding her in his arms late, late at night

You know I wish that I had Jesse’s girl
I wish that I had Jesse’s girl
Where can I find a woman like that
Like Jesse’s girl
I wish that I had Jesse’s girl
Where can I find a woman
Where can I find a woman like that

And I’m lookin’ in the mirror all the time
Wonderin’ what she don’t see in me
And I’ve been funny, I’ve been cool with the lines
Ain’t that the way love supposed to be
Tell me
Where can I find a woman like that

You know I wish that I had Jesse’s girl
I wish that I had Jesse’s girl
I want Jesse’s girl
Where can I find a woman like that
Like Jesse’s girl
I wish that I had Jesse’s girl
I want, I want Jesse’s girl

Copyright © 1981 Rick Springfield, RCA Records



First off, I include the copyright only out of sense of propriety, since it is beyond comprehension that anyone would steal these lyrics or falsely claim their ownership.

I also note that Mr. Springfield’s search for a woman like Jesse’s is very likely to be made more difficult by a past that includes having written lyrics like these. And while he tells us that he’s “been funny” and “cool with the lines” with Jesse’s unnamed girl, I have a feeling that a guy with a gift such as his for turning a phrase is more likely to have been Strange-funny than funny of the “haha,” charm-the-clogs-off-my-best-friend’s-girl sort. I have no difficulty in believing that Mr. Springfield spends lots of time looking in the mirror; unfortunately, whatever else Jesse’s girl does not see in him, she does not see a poet.

Not to put too fine a point on it, these lines -- “You know I feel so dirty when they start talkin’ cute, I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot” -- are probably the worst and stupidest couplet in the history of the English language. These lines manage to be simultaneously illogical, silly, offensive, and voyeuristic. I will put those 25 words up against any other 25 words in the history musical lyrics as a measure of sheer idiocy.

As Yeats could have told Mr. Springfield, “Hearts are not had as a gift. But hearts are earned.” Unfortunately, I have a feeling that these two poets run in different circles.

33 Comments:

Anonymous Rick Springfield said...

You think I don't have it (or, maybe never had it). But, check this out, just off the top of my head.

You know I wish that I had a sense of lyric,

Looking in the mirror, I wish my name wasn't Rick.

3/13/2005 08:49:00 AM  
Blogger Remainderman said...

The Crank is crankin'.

But,... consider this:

Mr. Springfield has adopted a persona, and his real project is to point out the folly of pride and covetousness in a way accessible to listener's of the early 80's. He employs the apparently atrocious lyrics to enhance the sense of degradation.

His experience with the soap opera format gave him a very clear view of its premise: that is, the seven deadly sins, and the vicious and vicarious pleasure in seeing them played out. "Jesse's Girl" is just one indictment against this degeneracy.

The bibilical allusions are not obvious to the casual listener. Jesse, of course, is the father of David. Here, Jesse stands in for Uriah, husband of Bathsheeba -- a practical switch, since one could not very well sing,

Like Uriah's girl
I wish that I had Uriah's girl
I want, I want Uriah's girl


David's covetousness of Bathsheeba, of course, leads to Uriah's death, as well as David's profound remorse, punishment, and redemption. In using Jesse, Mr. Springfield also mines the dramatic and pscyhological depths of Oedipus.

In all, "Jesse's Girl" offers the occasion for an authentic self-reflection; thus, "And I’m lookin’ in the mirror all the time." But, then, the persona asks the wrong question: "Wonderin’ what she don’t see in me."

Precisely. She sees only his grasping preoccupation, a form of nothingness, which she "don't see" in him.

Mr. Springfield is a modern day Nathan. In a word: brilliant.

3/13/2005 09:34:00 AM  
Blogger Ned said...

The most beautiful love song ever written was "Stardust" by Hoagy Carmichael. Who could ever hope to find words as elegant as "when our love was new, and each kiss an inspiration"?

All other attempts to express love in a song seem as vacuous and inadequate as those of the befuddled Rick.

Of course, he may be just slightly more inane than the rest.

3/13/2005 12:11:00 PM  
Blogger palinurus said...

Remainderman -- re Rick Springfield and his talent and insights, you are a cult of one.

Ned -- you are, as usual, correct. Stardust is perhaps the greatest love song of all time, brilliant in all respects. Even the -- what do you call it? -- is it the verse? -- is wonderful:

"And now the purple dusk of twilight time

Steals across the meadows of my heart

High up in the sky the little stars climb,

Quietly reminding me that we're apart.

You wandered down the lane and far away

Leaving me a song that will not die.

Love is now the stardust of yesterday,

The music of the years gone by."

Excellent. One note: these lyrics -- to give the lyricist his due, and since we bashed the rotten job of Springfield -- were written by Mitchell Parish, music by the great Carmichael. Parish also wrote the lyrics to Remainderman's favorite song, "Volare," and another favorite of mine, "Stars Fell On Alabama."

3/13/2005 01:31:00 PM  
Blogger Ned said...

Volare? Oh, oh... I get it.

3/13/2005 04:44:00 PM  
Blogger Remainderman said...

Sir

I will not have the artistry of Dean Martin mocked on these pages.

3/13/2005 09:17:00 PM  
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I can understood the breadwinner being the one in charge of supplying the money. And I suppose two do need to prepare when an evening show is in the offing. But why should three be involved in getting ready? Is there a butler or maid involved? (And yes to putting out the cat…go, cat, go, I say)

3/15/2005 08:41:00 PM  
Blogger palinurus said...

very funny, Harry, and a good point.

3/15/2005 08:45:00 PM  
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The moment you figured out you won, you must immediately yell BINGO, and it should be loud enough for the floor walker to hear. The pot money shall be given to the winner once their winning card is confirmed. Well, in winning or once you know you just won, the most important thing is that you shout the winning word BEFORE the time elapses. If the game proceeds and the next number is mentioned and you failed to shout "Bingo", your winning card is disqualified. Therefore, this is the rule you must know.

There may be cases when there are two winners, and in this case the pot money shall be divided equally among the winners. Supposing there are two winning cards, the two winners will share half the prize money.

Bingo Game Rules

Bingo rules are basically the same no matter in which Online Bingo hall you play. But still it's good if you know these rules by heart. If it is your first try, then ask for handouts and inquire from pros regarding the game rules. Nonetheless, the ideal thing to do if you have questions is to ask the floor walker and not the person seated beside you. You should clarify things and doubts before the game starts because asking too many questions as the game proceeds could well distract you. This guideline also applies to those who are newcomers at casinos, those who play roulette for the first time.

Bingo halls demand an age limit of 18 years old. If you are below this age, you are prohibited to play. Some bingo houses ban alcohol inside, so players aren't supposed to take liquor nor drink it inside the venue. Smoking may also be restricted inside the venue, as there are designated smoking sections.

Take note that some Bingo houses don't allow food but some do, so it basically depends on the venue. Policies vary among different venues. For instance, some bingo halls allow reservation of cards, while others don't allow it. Some allow people to leave the venue in the middle of the game, others forbid it. But there are general policies observed in all bingo houses, such as disqualification of tampered bingo cards. There is no way you can get away with a tampered card because the walkers are adept at identifying authentic cards from tampered ones. You could be banned from a bingo establishment if proven liable of tampering a card. Hence, you should play honestly.

Interestingly, some venues offer special bingo games for kids although some halls don't allow players to have companions while playing. Suppose you bring kids with you, don't let them run around the venue and bother other gamers. They should behave well whilst you play and the game proceeds. Play quietly and don't recite the numbers you desperately want to come off because you'll be much of a disturbance if you do. Decorous playing is expectant of all players, even those who play roulette at casinos. Also, having a valid identification is important because you don't know you might win and need to present credentials.

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8/21/2010 02:42:00 AM  
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