School of Miracle Work, Spring Exam

Hereunder has acquired a copy of the spring exam administered to the Mystic University School of Miracle Work graduate students, just before they left for Easter Break. Let's hope they studied for it.

Please address one of the following three situations.

1. A small, insignificant tribe of people known as the Israelites were, until recently, enslaved in Egypt. As a class project, you have visited seven plagues upon their Egyptian masters, until their leader -- we'll call him "Pharaoh" -- is personally afflicted and finally sees this as a divine augur of the Cat god that he should cut his losses and let the miserable tribe go free. You believe your work is done here, and you give the bedraggled Israelites Spock's universal space-time-continuum high sign --"Live long and prosper" -- then, send them on their way.

Unfortunately, someone forgot to consult MapQuest,and the tribe now finds themselves on the wrong side of the Red Sea. Meanwhile, Pharaoh has come to his senses and, boy, is he ticked. He's sent his army, loaded to bear, in hot pursuit of the wandering tribe, with orders to cut down every man, woman, and child among them. The tribe is armed only with a few sticks, a bottle or two of Manischewitz, and some leftover Passover matzo.

Your task is to save the Israelites from the Egyptian army, preferably by parting the Red Sea long enough for this slow-moving bunch to cross to the other side, but not so long that the Sea doesn't fall back upon Pharaoh's army, none of whom can swim, especially in heavy combat gear.

2. The Philistines are lording it over your tribe in a big way -- killing, raping, pillaging, burning -- you name it. Your guys are no match for them. Things look bleak.

Just for kicks, they suggest that you send your best guy against their best guy, and, the side of whoever wins gets to slaughter the other side, plus 50% of the gate. Unfortunately, their best guy -- we'll call him "Goliath" -- is about 100 cubits high and is armed to the teeth. Put it this way -- he would make a tag team of the Hulk and the Rock look like a pair of snivelling pipsqueaks.

Understandably, you have no volunteers -- except a kid who has tagged along with his older brothers. This kid -- who's about seven years of short of lawfully drinking Mogen David -- spends most of his time tending sheep. He says he's handy with a slingshot.

Your task is to help the kid take down Goliath in a single stroke without taking so much as a scratch himself.

3. You work for 535 of the most egotistical, bombastic, and irascible folks known to man. As a general matter, they are moved only by large monetary contributions, fully-funded junkets to tropical places, and photo opportunities. For weeks, this crowd been debating and maneuvering and filibustering a variety of legislative initiatives that concern just short of 300 million people in the most powerful nation on earth. Now, they've gone home --hundreds and thousands miles away -- for a two-week vacation, and, finally, you can breathe easy and get those Easter eggs for your nieces and nephews painted.

Meanwhile, an insignificant, brain-damaged woman in a hospice in Florida is dying because her estranged husband, who has a new family, decided that she should have no more food or fluids. Her parents and siblings want her to live and are willing to care for her and to pay for this care for so long as she lives. They have nothing to gain by this, except the marginal life of their daughter and sister, and they have incurred great cost in trying to save her life. The husband, however, will receive his estranged wife's estate when she dies.

Unfortunately, the parents and siblings have lost almost every hearing and appeal and now have no more options. The woman has not had food or fluids in a couple of days. After three days, she will begin a rapid physical decline. In ten days, she will be dead.

Your task is to bring a sufficient number of the 535 most egotistical, bombastic, and irascible folks known to man back from their vacation, after just two days, late on a Sunday night, to pass a bill intended just for this single, insignificant, brain-damaged woman, to give her family one more chance to save her life.

***

Note: extra credit will be given for option No. 3, since it is the most difficult task.

Good luck, and enjoy your break.