Monday, March 07, 2005

The Honor of Don Castagnari

Don Castagnari lit his cigar, puffed several times, then took it from his mouth and looked at the glowing end. Before him sat Luigi "The Lip" Pigini.

"Lip, I asked you to come in because -- go ahead, have a cigar -- because I need you to do a piece of work for me."

The Lip took a cigar and sniffed the length of it. "Of course, boss ," he said, patting his pockets for a lighter, "Uh..., may I ask who dis guy is."

The Don puffed slowly. "Roselli. Enrico Roselli. He spent a long time in the pen down in Alabama of all places. God knows how he got pinched down there. Anyhow, he got out, and now he's back."

The Lip eyed the lighter at the Don's right hand. "Roselli...Roselli.... I don't know da name, boss."

"He's old news. Small time. Used to do some work for Gabbanelli and Giustozzi."

"Okay," said The Lip, alternatively mouthing the unlit cigar and regarding it with feigned satisfaction.

"He's been back for a while now, but he hasn't come in to see me." Castagnari leaned forward in his leather chair. "It's a matter of honor, Lip. A man comes back after many years away, then doesn't come to see me." He shook his head. "It's disrepect."

"Absolutely," said The Lip. "Boss, you want I should use concertina wire for this."

"No," said The Don, "You can use a concertina, but don't pop him. I'll give him a pass this time. Just put the squeeze on -- somethin nice, like, maybe, a Palermo polka."

"Uh, boss, no disrespect, but how about a Siracusa sonata. Sounds kinda, you know, melodeon."

"Whatever. Just make sure his, shall we say, 'bass keys' don't work for a while."

The Lip gripped his cigar between his fingers. "Ha! Dis guy'll be singin real high."

The Don exhaled a long stream of smoke. "Yeah. Like a soprano."

"Boss," The Lip laughed, "You kill me... I mean figurative like." Then, he quickly kissed The Don's ring and exited.

The Don looked at his cigar and sighed. "You can't find good buttons anymore."

For a complete listing of terms, see here, and for brands, see here.


Anonymous Transcription Service said...

Remainderman: i do this thing in your honor, and i get no comment. disrespect.

Palinurus: what?

Palinurus: I'm not stupid.

Palinurus: Not like people say!

Palinurus: I want respect!!!

Palinurus: You mean “The Honor of Don Castagnari”?

Remainderman: yeah. that thing.

Palinurus: [reading post]

Palinurus: I feel isolated and marginalized,

Remainderman: good

Remainderman: that was the intent

Palinurus: hate speech

Remainderman: no, no – it's apparent i love my characters

Palinurus: 2 stereotypes

Palinurus: mobsters and tailors

Remainderman: don't forget -- fruit sellers and stone masons

Palinurus: why not put a landscaper in there and few guys in guinea t shirts with wine stains and you'll be all set

Remainderman: good idea

Remainderman: but, these guys are accordion manufacturers or accordions - not clear

Palinurus: my "family" may be hurt by this

Remainderman: why? - they love accordions

Remainderman: who doesn't love accordions?

Remainderman: are you tellin me you don't love accordions?

Palinurus: tetherball-playing, accordion music-dancing, wine-stained t-shirt wearing, hand-waving, greasy Italians

Palinurus: is that it?

Palinurus: do I have it right?

Palinurus: garlic eating

Remainderman: hmmm.... i hadn't made all those connections before

Palinurus: I forgot

Palinurus: hairy

Palinurus: Among all other smears, anti Italian smears stand alone, in that we are the one group that is attacked by those who feel inferior, rather than superior, to us

Remainderman: i feel small

Palinurus: It is a futile attempt to bring us to the common level

Remainderman: true

Remainderman: you've unmasked me

Palinurus: and to think we are on the cusp of that great Italian feast day

Palinurus: St Joseph's Day

Palinurus: the Great Italian

Remainderman: check your notes - he’s Jewish

3/08/2005 01:55:00 PM  
Blogger palinurus said...

Reminds me of the recently-passed Johnny Carson who defined an "optimist" as "an accordian player with a beeper."

3/08/2005 04:26:00 PM  
Blogger Harry said...

It's hard to tell which is better; "The Honor of..." or the comments.

3/09/2005 10:28:00 AM  

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