Sunday, February 06, 2005

Model Non-Sports Fan Non-Talking Points

Another in our series of model texts, this one actually might be used as an aid to avoid inappropriate verbal patter during the big game, for those whose sports career and interest ended at 11 years old after a terrible loss at badminton.
  • "Hooray! Did someone score?" {No. The game hasn't started. That is just the pre-game show. }
  • "My goodness, the game must be half over by now." {Actually, it still hasn't started: the pre-grame show is just wrapping up.}
  • "Oh, those poor cheerleaders must be freezing! They ought to cover up." {Well... hmmm... I....}
  • "Tsk. They ought to learn to play fair -- did you see how they knocked that man down." {Uh... well, let me explain how the game's played. }
  • "Now, tell me if I have right: the man throwing the ball is the pitcher, and..." {Let's start from the beginning.}
  • "Home run!" {...}
  • "Oooh! That man is having a seizure" {Well, no... he just scored.}
  • "Who's for some fish-stick twists and cream soda?" {Well, well.}
  • "He was one of 'the Beatles' you say -- ah, yes, I saw them on Ed Sullivan. They might have been such handsome young men had they cut their hair. Why, he's the spitting image of Mr. O'Malley in my Elder Aerobics class." {True.}
  • "Wait. Didn't we just see that play." {That's just a replay.}
  • "Look at that! They've run the same play again. {Well, no. That's just another replay from yet another angle.}
  • "Well, why don't they call the man who catches the ball 'the catcher'? {Good point, but...}
  • "Now, they call him 'safety', but he doesn't seem very safe at all." {No.}
  • "Why is that man sitting -- in that way -- on a copy machine?" {Uh... [stifled chuckle] that's a commercial for Xerox.}
  • "Oh, too bad. He missed the -- let's see if I have this right -- the 'field goal' this time." {Actually, he was just kicking off.}
  • "It's a wonder they don't trip over the little yellow line that keeps moving down the field." {Well, that's not really there. You see, it's....}
  • "... some sort of digital overlay?" {...well, yes, actually. How did you ...?}
  • "From Mr. Pikorsky, who's teaching us 'Cyberspace for Seniors'. We're working on an HTML project -- so much fun!" {Oh.}
  • "Dear! That poor man is drenched! I hope he brought a change of clothes." {I'd say so.}
  • "How about another fish-stick twist? Are you sure? You've barely eaten." {[pat stomach, waive hand}}

3 Comments:

Blogger Gone Away said...

Excellent, most instructive. I shall print it out and keep it close to hand for the Super Bowl this afternoon. After all, a poor foreigner needs all the help he can get in these matters...

2/06/2005 10:56:00 AM  
Blogger Ned said...

Oh, the Super Bowl, I should have remembered that as I have a small wager on it and am from New England. Glad you reminded me, it will be a nice quiet time for shopping. Everyone else will be at their televisions.

2/06/2005 03:18:00 PM  
Blogger Gone Away said...

Heretic...

2/06/2005 04:16:00 PM  

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