Sunday, January 30, 2005

Mistaken Mystique

Most of our gentle visitors believe that these pages are little noted and visited -- something like a wonderful little field they find themselves looking upon, having taken the wrong exit off the interstate and driven miles down a lonely state route and broken down, and now awaiting the tow truck. We have wanted to keep it that way: for their returns visits are a classic sign of instability, and we wish to spare them any unnecessary alarm or disturbance.

Truth is, however, on the clandestine, encrypted, and ciphered networks, these pages have created quite a stir. Some have suggested the your humble Contributors are members of the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission, the Knights Templar, and even the Knights of Columbus. We've been able to keep most of these stirrings under wraps, with the occasional, minor eruption.

But, now, our Echelon-like surveillance service has uncovered this latest and most outrageous claim, which threatens to engulf the web: namely, that we are post-Soviet Fifth Columnists. So, we must respond -- and, of course, first to our gentle visitors.

The alleged reported referenced there is obviously a hoax. Note that it attempts to mimic the MI-6 style for such reports, but omits certain key phrases that one would expect to see, such as "tally ho", "jolly good", and "capital! old chap". The false report also makes much of your humble Contributor's names -- but, their true meanings (and their Christmas wish lists) have been covered exhaustively in a prior post -- with specific reference to English bricks and the Common Law. And, speaking of anagrams, it turns out that the name "Gone Away" (our flattering accuser) lends itself quite readily to the enigmatic phrase "Age? No Way!"

Think about it: the whole British connection is a bit suspicious, wouldn't you say?

6 Comments:

Blogger Gone Away said...

Transcript of phone tap at position HE48 Jan 30 2004 10:22pmFirst voice (identified as Agent Ned): The flowers are blooming again in Picardy.

Second voice (uncertain but probably Agent Gone): Yet the rain still falls in Montego Bay.

Ned: Ah good. Did you get the information?

Gone: Yes. They have taken the bait. And running around like headless chickens as a result.

Ned: Excellent. So they were completely taken in by the names fabrication?

Gone: It looks like it. I haven't seen so many denials shooting around since Nixon got caught. Even re-issued a previous smokescreen, presumably in the hope of laying yet another false trail. They're good, I have to admit it.

Ned: Yes. I haven't forgotten that night in Brno...

Gone: They got lucky, that's all. But this time we have them. Oh, they're spreading that Illuminati rumor again.

Ned: That old chestnut? They must be worried...

Gone: My thoughts exactly. By the way, did you send Harry?

Ned: Yes. Haven't you seen him?

Gone: No. He wasn't at the meeting place and I presumed you'd recalled him...

Ned: Not I. D'you think he's gone on one of his walkabouts?

Gone: Yeah, that could be it. Pity, he'd have loved to watch this.

Ned: Still, it's rather worrying. See what you can find out.

Gone: Will do. Had better go. They have a tap on this line of course.

Ned: Of course. Oh, one more thing. Did they take the anagram bait as well?

Gone: Hook, line and sinker. You should see what they've got me down as. (sound of laughing)

Ned: Enough, enough, I must go.

Gone: Yes. Bratislava.

Ned: Bratislava.

Transcript ends

1/30/2005 11:57:00 PM  
Blogger Harry said...

Look. I found this pen laying on the ground. It fit my pocket, is all.

1/31/2005 01:16:00 PM  
Blogger Remainderman said...

ENCRYPTION KEY: ******************

TO: "OTHER CONTRIBUTORS"

FROM: REMAINDERMAN

COPY: MI6-K78-#J09-****

Right. The gig's up, mates. We're found out. (See above.)

Crank up the shredders, and see Dr. **** re emergency plastic services, etc., as needed.

Avoid Heathrow, Gatwick. Advise Shannon. Cars already let in your name (usual vendor). Cross-channel ferry at Dun Laoghaire booked. (NO PUB STOPS! Smoke-free anyhow.)

Mean time, advise extreme caution. "Harry" may be dupe but not certain. May be "Wayfarer" aka "Way" aka "Tao" former of PRC "kung pao" unit. MO: pen (NB pocket protector indicates presence of sarin). Affable; lethal.

"Clive" aka "Gone Away" aka "Chameleon". Current affiliation: unkown. May appear at door posing as retired Englishman touring America; scholarly, unassuming; requesting spot of tea. AT ALL COSTS secure all Darjeeling, Earl Gray, English Rose, and Gunpowder. Offer Lipton in a bag -- he will not accept (too professional). MO: various. Polite; lethal.

"Ned". Little data. Could be "Natasha" former of KGB. Current affiliation: unknown. May pose as male, American insurance salesman. DO NOT ADMIT ENTRY. MO: unknown. Best data: beautiful; lethal.

*PM must not know of this*

END MESSAGE
#-#-****

1/31/2005 05:13:00 PM  
Blogger Gone Away said...

Scene: A house in a quiet street in Baltimore.
The house is bare of furniture. A few scraps of crumpled paper lie in one corner. The front door bursts open suddenly and two figures rush in. They take in the scene of desolation in a glance and separate to inspect the other rooms. Minutes later, they are back, all tension now disappeared.
Ned: Gone

Harry: I knew I shouldn't have taken that nap. A few minutes earlier and we'd have had them.

Ned: Not your fault, Harry. You were ready to drop.

Harry: Yeah, it's that coffee in Vienna. Always gets to me, then I can't sleep and I end up like this.

Ned: So. Where to now?

Harry: Who knows? They've got safe houses everywhere. What did Gone say?

Ned: He's gone.

Harry: I know he's Gone, silly. What did he say?

Ned: Nothing. He's just gone.

Harry: Oh, very funny. Joke over, now you can tell me.

Ned: That's just it. Gone's gone.

Harry: Gone's gone? What the heck does that mean?

Ned: It means he's gone. Vanished. Disappeared.

Harry: Ohhhh, you mean Gone's gone?

Ned: Yes.

Harry: But he can't just be gone. He must have gone somewhere.

Ned: Yes, but where? No-one saw him go.

Harry: Didn't leave a message?

Ned: Yes. But it doesn't make sense.

Harry: Where is it?

Ned: Here. I kept it in case you wanted to see it.

Ned digs around in her purse and produces a piece of torn brown paper that she hands to Harry. Harry reads.Harry: Balf-chined Gingo. Have the ting over here. Went walkabout, need Liptons. Romania. I go, you Romania.

Harry looks up, obviously baffled.

Harry: What the...

Ned: I know. Even the crypto boys couldn't work it out.

Harry: And he's gone...

Ned: Who?

Harry: Gone. Gone's gone.

Ned: Yes.

Harry: Okay, so what now?

Ned: Back to base, I guess. Maybe they have word of where Hereunder went.

Harry: Yes. Possible.

They leave and the scrap of brown paper, fallen unnoticed from Harry's fingers, drifts to the floor. It lands next to a mark on the floor, a black mark, almost like a scribble. The camera pans over and we can read it, crayon scrawled across the floorboards: "We have Gone. Ambiguity intended."

1/31/2005 11:04:00 PM  
Blogger Remainderman said...

ENCRYPTION KEY: ******************

TO: "OTHER CONTRIBUTORS"

FROM: REMAINDERMAN

COPY: MI6-K78-#J09-****

The trail's gone cold, mates(see above.)

In Buenos Aires now -- the air is good; the weather, fine. Got here via post flight to Falklands and trawler, here. Off early tomorrow for remote Pampas. Patagonia looks tempting -- but, skis in locker at St. Moritz.

END MESSAGE
#-#-****

2/03/2005 11:21:00 AM  
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