Thursday, January 13, 2005

Feast of St. Hilary

Yes, you heard me right -- a St. -- don't try to tell me otherwise. Hilary (and, for that matter, Monica) a saint, fervent in faith and heroic in virtue.

The latter day saint, with the extra 'l' and without the 'y' chromosome, has been every bit as fervent. I'm not too young (unlikely) or too old (more likely) to remember way back in 1993 and the "politics of virtue" -- the notion that only government could make you good -- that "connection" and a "sense of meaning" can be given to the people only through the intervention of the state. This great insight nearly found it's fulfillment in the caring, comprehensive government acquisition of health.

Pity it didn't work out; but, the cause continues to make strides. Yesterday, new "authoritative dietary guidelines" from our nurturing government. The Old Guideline: be grateful as, say, a Sumatran, that you have food on your plate; the New Guideline: you're never really free unless your fat-free and sugar-free. Old adage: It's not what you put in your mouth, but what comes out of your mouth, that makes your heart unclean. New adage: the reverse. Thus, Mom's direction to "eat your vegetables" is fast becoming transcendental diktat.

And, courage! The saint may yet have her day -- perhaps in 2008. Then, we might all be made good -- like it or not -- starting with our bodies, which are apparently all we have. Just take a page from old Jon Edwards, switch eternal for temporal, wickedness for unhealthful behavior, devil for Big Tobacco, Big liquor, Big Sugar, Big Fatty Food, Big Mac, and God for government: it renders something like a "Sinners in the Hands of a Stern Governess."

U.S. Department of Virtue
Office of Compliance
January 13, 2015

BAGLEY: Mr. Jones, we've reviewed your physio-psycho-social health profile, a digital copy of which I've provided to you. Just reviewing a few points, it seems you still like your cigars -- contraband...

JONES: Well, I know that's still a touchy subject with our Good Leader, but...

BAGLEY: ... and your high-carb ales -- also contraband. High caffeine intake -- beverage source. Let's see... very fond of your trans-fatty foods, especially doughnuts -- contraband. Low plant matter intake.

JONES: Well, I don't....

BAGLEY: Seldom meet minimum authoritative guidelines for exercise. "Chubby" on revised/simplified BMI.

JONES: I may have put on a few pounds, but ...

BAGLEY: On Diversity Toleration Index scored in "intolerable" range. Below acceptable standard on Environmental Awareness Measure. "Repressed" on the Kinsey Psycho-Sexual Survey. Report of an affiliation with an unapproved group from the Licenture of Religious Freedom. Report of unauthorized domestic birth from Division of Genetics and Children's Affairs. Field report... "Subject displays no close connection with government and denies that he derives any sense of meaning from Department." It goes on and on.

JONES: Listen, I can explain a lot of this....

BAGLEY: Mr. Jones, we're here to help. You're "unfit" under the definition at 99 CFR 1423.A.2. I'm serving you with a digital original Notice of Vice with your due process rights. You have 60 days to bring yourself into compliance. Failure to do so may result in limitation or termination of federal benefits. Continued failure for a period of 120 days may result in fines, confinement in a health re-education spa or ranch, or suspension of domestic partnerships and associations, disarticulation of bodily members, or even termination of autonomous biologic processes.
JONES: This is so wrong, I....

BAGLEY: Please remember, Mr. Jones, we're-here-to-help-your-life-is-important-to-us. For more information, see our virtual presence at

Now, Mr. Jones, if you will turn with me to face the VR panel. Let's say together:

"Thank you, Good Leader. 'It takes a village!'"
JONES: "... Thank you, ... Good Leader. 'It takes a... village....'"


Blogger Harry said...

Save my place, and I'll be back to post a comment as soon as I finish this bag of powdered donuts, which will need washing down with a couple of cold beers, followed by a nap. But do hold the butter for later.

1/13/2005 04:02:00 PM  
Blogger Remainderman said...

Whole-grain powdered donuts?

1/13/2005 04:37:00 PM  
Blogger Gone Away said...

Oh Brave New World, That Hideous Strength. I thank God that I'm old...

1/13/2005 09:11:00 PM  
Blogger Remainderman said...

Gone Away --

Out of the Silent Planet are we?

More reading for Harry, between donuts and naps, if has not already. (And for me -- it's been a while.)

1/13/2005 10:08:00 PM  

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