Thursday, December 16, 2004

Traffic Report, Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Visitors are, no doubt, clamoring for an update on our traffic. Well, after our last breathless report of "biblical" gains in visitors, things settled down to a more "catechetical" proportion: 181 at days end. We have come through our Enron phase and -- not having to cook the books anymore -- look forward to a steady pace. (Trans: like a foot race at the senior center.)

One thing, however, was initially disturbing. A survey of our exit pages found two things:
  1. that John Kerry will be the next president, and
  2. that most visitors to our pages never return.

We wracked our brains attempting to come up with a rational explanation of No. 2. Finally, after an arduous non-failure of imagination, the answer became clear:

most visitors are so overcome with joy at these pages that they abandon the solitary outpost of their computing device, reject the virtual world, and embrace the real world, they're lives utterly transformed!

In fact, I have heard from one former visitor who was so moved by our ineffable wisdom that she is selling her suburban mini-mansion and purchasing a farm, where she plans to mark out a technology-free zone and to raise llamas. (I am now sorry that I dropped the complimentary 1986 Eastern Regional Llama Festival wine glass I had. It would have made a nice Christmas gift for her.)

Wonderful! A hearty bravo! But... are our former visitors just a bit too joyful too soon? Too satisfied with too little? Our potential advertisers are growing restive at this news.

Gentle non-visitors, wouldn't you be more satisfied with, say, a commercial showing an SUV traveling through a beautiful, digitally-enhanced wilderness, where you would never drive anyhow, with the windows rolled-up against the harsh environs, with the strains of John Tesh coming from the premium sound system? As the Volvo ad once went, this car might save your soul. Or, for that one-on-one connection, personals in the sidebar:

... I enjoy cozy, fire-lit evenings, dewy spring mornings, and long walks off short piers-- ha, ha, just kidding.

Please consider this.


3 Comments:

Blogger Harry said...

Traffic seems to be the key word, so on that I must offer up a hand-lettered sign that could read, "Anywhere but here".

Or perhaps explanation 2 comes to light by explanation one. Maybe.

Personally the traffic worries me; the majority seems to be occupied with their navel lint, making me a bit concerned I might get run down before hitching a ride.

12/16/2004 03:20:00 PM  
Blogger Chesterbeak said...

REMAINDERMAN

re·main·der·man [ ri máyndərmən ] (plural re·main·der·men [ ri máyndərmən ])

noun

1. finance receiver of trust principal: somebody who receives the principal of a trust when it is dissolved


2. U.K. somebody who gets estate: the person who is entitled to a particular estate once everything has been settled

12/17/2004 12:49:00 PM  
Blogger Remainderman said...

It appears that the trust in these pages seems to be dissolving quickly, so I expect to come into some money or property.

12/17/2004 01:49:00 PM  

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