Sunday, December 12, 2004

Sofa Remorse

It happens. A kind of decor-induced cognitive dissonance under the genus lamentabilis emptoris ("buyer's remorse"); a subspecies of furniture anguish; first cousin to dresser depression, bureau blues, and dry sink regret.

We know how it happened. How inviting she looked in the soft, warm light of the catalog -- the sultry earth tones; the fresh fruit casually heaped in a bowl beside; the promise of recline and gentle conviviality. Your senses came to life; your imagination awakened; your left brain shut down. See seat; love seat; buy seat. Then, one day, she arrived, and, in the cold, hard light of the day, she resembled nothing more than a brazen settee -- a tawdry lounge act.

Then, you turned slowly to that grand, old divan, looking worn and forlorn, pushed to the side, and seeming to weep. "After all these years -- giving you the comfort of my arms, supporting you in your weariness, absorbing your bumps and beverage indiscretions, and offering a place for your uncouth guests -- after all this, am I to be shuffled off to the cellar, peddled to a passerby, or made an object of charity, for the sake of this ... this young, bolstered and well-upholstered thing?"

Now you're thinking twice... second guessing, like the armchair general, who hasn't seen action since the ottomans were put underfoot. "Why, if I were young, we'd be walking all over those damnably dense Persians!"

But, wait -- there's is a simple remedy. First, be honest with your feelings -- stop cushioning the hurt... stop couching it mere disappointment. You hate this sofa! Good. Now, remember when, one day, himself was a witty, charming, attentive fiancé, and, the next, he was a slug of a husband slouching on the... yes, the sofa. And, in time, you got over it: you changed the lighting, you re-arranged things, you accessorized. Soon, he had blended into the furnishings.

Yes! Patience. Imagination. It will be alright!


Blogger Blue Clinkers said...

Remainderman, this is hilarious! (Hey, if we don't support ourselves, who will?)

12/15/2004 09:57:00 AM  
Blogger Chesterbeak said...

I don't get it - did the sofa get pitched or not?

12/15/2004 03:09:00 PM  
Blogger Remainderman said...

Chesterbeak --
Sorry to leave you hanging -- as I often do, I forgot to make a particular point.

Truth is, the two sofas are co-existing uneasily in the same room. Hard to tell which way it will go.

12/15/2004 10:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Torn between two sofas....feelin' like a fool"

12/18/2004 08:15:00 AM  

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