Sunday, December 12, 2004

Sofa Remorse

It happens. A kind of decor-induced cognitive dissonance under the genus lamentabilis emptoris ("buyer's remorse"); a subspecies of furniture anguish; first cousin to dresser depression, bureau blues, and dry sink regret.

We know how it happened. How inviting she looked in the soft, warm light of the catalog -- the sultry earth tones; the fresh fruit casually heaped in a bowl beside; the promise of recline and gentle conviviality. Your senses came to life; your imagination awakened; your left brain shut down. See seat; love seat; buy seat. Then, one day, she arrived, and, in the cold, hard light of the day, she resembled nothing more than a brazen settee -- a tawdry lounge act.

Then, you turned slowly to that grand, old divan, looking worn and forlorn, pushed to the side, and seeming to weep. "After all these years -- giving you the comfort of my arms, supporting you in your weariness, absorbing your bumps and beverage indiscretions, and offering a place for your uncouth guests -- after all this, am I to be shuffled off to the cellar, peddled to a passerby, or made an object of charity, for the sake of this ... this young, bolstered and well-upholstered thing?"

Now you're thinking twice... second guessing, like the armchair general, who hasn't seen action since the ottomans were put underfoot. "Why, if I were young, we'd be walking all over those damnably dense Persians!"

But, wait -- there's is a simple remedy. First, be honest with your feelings -- stop cushioning the hurt... stop couching it mere disappointment. You hate this sofa! Good. Now, remember when, one day, himself was a witty, charming, attentive fiancé, and, the next, he was a slug of a husband slouching on the... yes, the sofa. And, in time, you got over it: you changed the lighting, you re-arranged things, you accessorized. Soon, he had blended into the furnishings.

Yes! Patience. Imagination. It will be alright!

4 Comments:

Blogger Blue Clinkers said...

Remainderman, this is hilarious! (Hey, if we don't support ourselves, who will?)

12/15/2004 09:57:00 AM  
Blogger Chesterbeak said...

I don't get it - did the sofa get pitched or not?

12/15/2004 03:09:00 PM  
Blogger Remainderman said...

Chesterbeak --
Sorry to leave you hanging -- as I often do, I forgot to make a particular point.

Truth is, the two sofas are co-existing uneasily in the same room. Hard to tell which way it will go.

12/15/2004 10:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Torn between two sofas....feelin' like a fool"

12/18/2004 08:15:00 AM  

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